My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
