Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
be right there i have to get my cape
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
