JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
