Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
