I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
