Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
