I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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