I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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