omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
