Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
