So drunk its hurt
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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