why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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