Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
