toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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