I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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