why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
