my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
