shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
