apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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