I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
