I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
