so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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