I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he was CRYING into my vagina
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
