and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
