So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
