I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
