I'm so fucking centered right now
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
