Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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