There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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