69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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