The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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