What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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