Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
