I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
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