so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
