you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
