im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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