I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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