walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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