she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
