I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
