so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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