Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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