We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
