meet me or not, i'm out of control
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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