he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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