I accidentally burped into my bong.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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