He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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