I only kidnapped one of them. chill
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
