I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
