there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
