I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
