i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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